Delivery From Diana & Al

mom just received a package from diana and al esquivel filled with one of diana's evil mixes - peanut m&ms with peanuts and pretzels. when i opened the box, mom said (and i quote), "OOHhh YEAHH!!"

with it was the most wonderful card:

Deep inside us,
there is a place
where faith flows freely
and hope runs deep.
a place where we can go
to be refreshed
and to remember
who we really are...
And who we are
is not illness
or weakness
or any kind of problem.
We are eternal.
We are loved.
We are children of God.

thanks so much, you two.

annie

home!

Friends:

Deb has logged more miles than a trucker these days, mostly in bad weather. She took Dad and Geneva back to Holland this morning so that they could head back to Indiana, then back to GR to get us checked out and to Dr. Aaberg's office for my first checkup. I could almost hear the drum roll as Laurie, the technician, took my huge dressing off. I was plenty nervous imagining what was underneath it. I was facing Deb, Jon and Annie, and I watched their faces-all of them simultaneously breathinga sigh of relief and giving me a warm smile, saying, "OH!! it isn't so bad, Mom! You just sort of look llike you've been in a fight!" And it was true-some bruising and swelling for sure, but still me, still my eye-I'm still pretty symmetrical, which is amazing considering. We have to put ointment in my eye three times a day-which by the way costs 100 bucks for a tiny tiny tube!! (for the umpteenth time wondering what people do without health insurance) stave off infection and got some patches, one of which is a sort of metal screeny thing to protect my eye.
I will be meeting with the Ocularist, Michael Bain, in the next few weeks, and will have my prosthesis in a month or so.
I am sort of wiped out tonight and thankful for pain meds. I am also so very grateful for my incredible kids, my Super Woman Sister Deb, and Kathy (Candie) and Carolyn (Jade) for bringing delicious dinner. Carolyn also brought letters from SW kids to read (they are priceless of course)--and thank you to Kathy Keegin for the beautiful prayer shawl which I am wearing right now. Carolyn and stephanie, thank you for the gorgeous eye patches-my favorite is the turquoise feathered one! I feel beautiful in it-especially with the matching turquoise shawl.

Goodnight, goodnight....
Oh! Sometimes I can see soo well. It is weird. My brain is already compensating. Amazing amazing!

This is Annie... see below for pictures!

a pre-surgery hug

Annie drew an eye over the "X"

Jon makes some edits


Grampy entertains Annie, pre-op

"Does it look better like this, or this?"

still waiting...

Mark and Deb (brother and sister) reunite!

Amy makes an appearance to cheer Claudia up, post-op

Dr. Aaberg & Claudia

a clean bill of health!

The beginings of recovery

Jon (aka "The Boy") here.

We've decided to stay in Grand Rapids again tonight since Mom's follow-up appointment is here tomorrow afternoon. It's been about 6 hours since we left the hospital and she is in very good spirits. The Darvocet is keeping her pretty groggy, but we're keeping her well fed and well rested (Doctor's orders, you know). As Annie said before, we have to keep her visitors to a bare minimum for the time being, but you'll all get to see her soon enough.

We are all obviously quite relieved with the outcome of the surgery. Even though she had a very promising prognosis from Dr. Aaberg, there was that element of squeamishness and anxiety to the waiting process. To make things even better, Mom is handling this with incredible grace. It's really awesome to watch someone with this much strength cope with a situation like this. Personally, I feel like I would have decked any doctor who told me he wanted to take my eye, but maybe I inherited a little of whatever Mom has.

Anyway, keep posting your comments and soon Mom will be able to post for herself.

Love to you all,

Jon & Mom (and Bella, too)
¸

SUCCESS!!

everyone -

this is annie; i am thrilled to report that the surgery was a complete success! the doctor is confident that they removed all of the cancerous tissue, and all muscle tissue is still intact.

mom is doing very well. she was feeling a great deal of pain immediately after the surgery, so is on a pretty high dosage of pain killers, and has been instructed to rest - and rest a lot - for the next few days. because of this, she mustn't see many visitors. we've been told we have to be her "gatekeepers." that said, we welcome cards, flowers, e-mails, etc.

when she awoke from surgery and we were ushered in to see her, one of the first things she said was how loved she felt, and that she could feel your prayers. this will come as no surprise to anyone who knows her, but she also won over the entire staff at Spectrum (which was a wonderful group).

she'll probably have her eye patch for the next month or so, after which they'll make a prosthetic for her. she needs to heal as much as possible before they fit her.

please e-mail or call me if you have any questions or want to relay a message to her. ahagar@gmail.com & 616.403.7937. we'll be updating again soon, with pictures.

annie et al

latest on surgery and stuff

Hi, all,
Here is the poop on the surgery:
Monday January 11
pre-op stuff 8-9
surgery 9-10:30
recovery room 10:30-12:00 --then discharged

We are staying at the Residence Inn in Grand Rapids--room 722, phone 616-957-8111.
Because of the horrendous weather we thought it best to get to GR tonight. Deb drove us all in the Trailblazer-what a gal. The gal from Florida drove all of us Michiganders. She was and is awesome!! It took two hours.....yikes.

Deb, Annie, Jon, Bella and I are in a 2 br suite and my dad and stepmom are next door. It is a very nice place.
We will also be staying here tomorrow night, because I have to be seen by the doctor again
on Tuesday morning-easier to just hang here.

I wish I had the words to tell you how much I appreciate and love you guys who have been holding me in your arms through all of this. I feel your prayers.
Next time I see you, I will have one less eye but I have a feeling that I will see you all even better than I ever did before. funny.
as Carolyn said-see you on the flip side!

it just hit me.

I cried with my children. I cried with my dad.

I got his shoulder all wet. I am here to tell you that you always need your dad, even when you are 56 and think you are very mature.

We are going to GR tonight to stay at a hotel, since the weather is so bad. this way we will be a block from the hospital. Deb made the arrangements and is driving all of us in her Trailblazer.

I am relieved.

Deb also went to Our Lady of the Lake this morning for mass and arranged for Father Phil to come and annoint me and give us communion. Thank you Deb for giving this sortof Buddhist a chance to be Catholic again for awhile.

greetings! this is annie writing for my mom, who is laying in bed beside me. she is feeling really overwhelmed today, and is sleep-deprived thanks to her late-night talks with sister-in-law deborah, so i am reporting for her. the past few days have been busy, busy! my grandpa and grandma (tom and geneva) are here, and our very good family friend, mr. seyth miersma, stayed the night as well. deborah is attending church at the moment, but (my mom wants me to note), she has been an absolute godsend (she is pictured right, having a grand old time with mom).

seyth and jon

yesterday, i drove my grandpa's giant boat of a car (a lincoln, actually) to pick jon up at the amtrak station. we took bella along for the ride, but, upon realizing that we had arrived half an hour early thanks to the time change, decided to smuggle bella into a restaurant to wait for the train. it was a beautiful day; jon managed to make the right calls to bring out the sunshine for his arrival.

grampy and i smuggle bella with a big yellow bag



despite the blizzard outside, we are having a "farewell to my eye" party for mom later today. she was feeling anxious earlier because this is the last sunday morning that she will wake up in bed and see what she sees. so, i reminded her that today is only the last day that she will have two brown eyes!

bella is sitting here with us. do you remember the old warner brothers cartoons wherein characters would fight? there would be clouds of dust, some stars and exclamation points and the occasional foot or fist? well, that is bella at any given moment. that is to say, unless she is sleepy. if she is sleepy, she is the most darling thing. deborah and geneva went out yesterday to cause trouble at meijer and petco and came back with two outfits and an embellished carrier for bella. we will post pictures when she is next sporting any of these things. grampy is entirely smitten with the little girl and whispers about her supposed move to evansville.

bella "sits"

yesterday, after they returned from their adventures in holland (during which time geneva kept getting lost in the aisles of meijer), they made the most fantastic dinner! there was soup, salad, brie and crackers and french bread - 2 kinds! we are also eating cookies by the pound. it's disgusting, folks.

barb showed up to shovel our driveway and share dinner with us. it had been a long time since she'd seen deb, neva or grampy, so they had the opportunity to catch up after a number of years. joe also stopped in later, for a moment (the weather was not agreeable), and also got to say hello to everyone.

finally, mom wants me to note, how very happy she is that grampy (or "dad") is back in her life. enough said.

thanks to everyone, once more, for your thoughts, prayers, phone calls, e-mails, cards, comments and all kinds of expressions of love and concern. such things are getting us all through this time.

From HIDDEN SPRINGS: A BUDDHIST WOMAN FACES CANCER

Our life's work is to see what we have been given to wake up.

-pema chodron

This book was a gift from sister girl Ami Desai in Denver.

I don't know how I could forget to report that I kicked booty on Carolyn's Phantom of the Opera Pinball Machine today...we had another Snowday Movie with Candi, Merlot, Jade and I, as well as junior Twisted Sisters (twisted daughters?) Stefanie and Anna.


Also you will see a tiny snowman outside of Reader's World handcrafted by Annie and me, if no one has smashed him already!

Finally, I wish to thank and send my love to Ann McKnight for her loving care and giving me an amazing massage and teaching me to tap my blues away.

Thank you Tasha for the beautiful purse and the motherload of candy within it:)...how sweet of you. Your friend does lovely work. I can't wait to use it.....of course half of the candy is already gone (this should surprise no one!) Also thank you Art Amigos for hanging up the Cityscapes downtown at the Arts Council! Coincidentally I ran into my dear Marilu Andree at the Windmill where I was having omelets with Annie after my appointment downtown. Marilu is Exhibits Coordinator and the latest addition to the very wonderful staff there. Here is a picture that Annie took of the two of us:
Speaking of Annie it is so nice to have her home and I want to report that she is a Godsend and I finally feel like I can rest. She is taking care of things like food, puppy, dishes and phone calls. She also gives me hugs, makes me laugh, watches Meerkat Mansion (Annie's edit: it is actually Meerkat 'Manor'... how cute is my mom??).with me and is my blog manager. How lucky am I! We will be getting ready for the company tomorrow...my dad Dr Tom and step mom Geneva get in tomorrow afternoon, followed by sister Deborah tomorrow night and Jon on Saturday.

Talked to my ex and still dear friend Mark tonight--please, all, keep him in your thoughts now, too, as he is going through rough times and this is hard for him as well. He is such a great dad and could use some support right now, too....

I know for sure that love is the answer to all of the suffering in this world.

Today I thought about dying and how it would be to lose my life from this cancer, as so many other people have done, some of them so dear to me. I tell you all of this because I need to tell the truth. I am scared. I am afraid that I will not be able to see the lake like I do now. I am afraid, in my hopeless vanity, that I will look ugly. I am afraid that the cancer will spread. I am afraid that the people I love so much, my family and friends and kids at school, will suffer.

i also, in the midst of all of this, feel a sense that life is so wonderful. Keep those prayers circulating through the universe, for all of us.