Seeing Clearly: first post!

Sunday, February 3, 2008

first post!

Hello, All!
Annie is at my side, and she has created this blog spot for me to keep in touch with all of you. Of course I will be talking to many of you outside of the blog as well, but at least I know what I have told you!--feeling a little like I am in the middle of one of those Tom Cruise movies where he doesn't know what the heck is happening!
I can't tell you what you all mean to me. I opened a door or two and the walls soon fell down and now all of you are here with me and I feel so safely held. Thank you for your love, concern, caring, humor, advice, food, rides, sub plans, coffee, art work....
to summarize what it going on medically, I was diagnosed last week with a malignant melanoma that is a particularly aggressive litte bugger and has invaded my optic nerve as well as making the vision in my left eye look a little wonky. What narrows my treatment options is this. Killing Fredd (as we have named the tumor) without also disabling the optic nerve sounds like a pretty remote possibility--within a few years I would almost certainly lose the vision in that eye even with the tumor gone. Add to that the fact that this cancer is aggressive and could move to the lungs or liver, and enucleation, or eye removal, really sounds like the prudent (if somewhat Frankensteinian) course of action!
My surgery is scheduled for Monday, Feb 11--more on that will follow!
I am going to paste some video links below so you guys can get an education on this subject.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPA8jkr-Keg
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OB5wTYNscWs
Information on my doctor (Thomas Aaberg): http://www.associatedretinalconsultants.com/doctors.htm

Yesterday I totaled my car and got a concussion--wound up in Holland Hospital with Sherry, Bobbi, Kathy--and Carolyn, Stefanie and her boyfriend Brian--who smuggled my puggybunny Bella in!! --in a yellow shopping bag!!--
it was the highlight, for sure, and we laughed until we cried. The accident was no doubt caused by my increasingly wonky and spotty vision and the nice Ottawa County Sheriff says no driving for Claudia for the time being. Annie and Adrian came up from Chicago and are here, now--going home tonight but bringing Jon back in a couple of days (probably Wednesday.) I am ok, other than a headache, and the good news is that it took my mind off the tumor! :)

Ok, enough for now...look for more posts later today--
love,
claudia

1 comment:

LShores-McCommon said...: Claudia, you have been a glowing presence ever since you so nonchalantly dealt with how my Son #3 (just engaged!) decided to get your attention. I know that the light you are will brighten your way forward. xoxo Lucie; February 4, 2008 at 3:03 AM

Post a Comment

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

© Mary Oliver.

a poem from TRAVELING MERCIES by Annie Lamott

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feeling we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

--w.s. merwin

from Kabir, Indian mystic poet

Friend, hope for the truth while you are alive.

Jump into experience while you are alive!...

What you call "salvation" belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you are alive,

do you think ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic

just because the body is rotten--

that is all fantasy.

What is found now is found then.

If you find nothing now, you will simply end up with

an empty apartment in the City of Death.

If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

Night Letter to theReader by Billy Collins

Night Letter to the Reader

I get up from the tangled bed and go outside,

a bird leaving the nest,

a snail taking a holiday from its shell,

but only to stand on the lawn,

an ordinary insomniac

amid the growth systems of garden and woods.

If I were younger, I might be thinking

about something I heard at a party,

about an unusual car,

or the press of Saturday night,

but as it is, I am simply conscious,

an animal in pajamas,

sensing only the pale humidity

of the night and the slight zephyrs

that stir the tops of the trees.

The dog has followed me out

and stands a little ahead,

her nose lifted as if she were inhaling

the tall white flowers,

visible tonight in the darkened garden,

and there was something else I wanted to tell you,

something about the warm orange light

in the windows of the house,

but now I am wondering if you were even listening

and why I bother to tell you these things

that will never make a difference,

flecks of ash, tiny chips of ice.

but this is what I want to do--

tell you that up in the woods

a few night birds were calling,

the grass was cold and wet on my bare feet,

and that at one point, the moon,

looking like the top of Shakespeare's

famous forehead,

appeared, quite unexpectedly,

illuminating a band of moving clouds.

This poem does what all good art does-it makes my heart fill as I recognize myself in it, and I say, "yes! that is exactly it!" and I realize once again that I need to tell you so many things. I feel inspired. Alive.

There are not enough hours.

a note from Kevin Griffin, author and spritual leader from Shambhala