Tuesday, May 11, 2010

nobody knows why the blues take hold of you, but I have them.
I can't seem to write anything that seems like the truth but doesn't seem like self-pity, so I am not writing anything. I am sitting in the fire these days, trying to stay conscious, staying with what comes. driving through the fog with the high beams on.
talking to my trusted spiritual guide today, who tells me something he heard:
the anecdote to exhaustion is not always rest. instead, it may be wholeheartedness.
somehow, the heart is not invested in life today. i will welcome the return of my passion. I look forward to the return of the energy that eludes me now; to feel that pulse again running through me. the trick here is not to reach for ways to jumpstart artificially-through substance abuse to deaden and distract, through falsely engaging in communication just to avoid being alone, through telling a story about myself or others today that provides a temporary answer for the why of it. To just stay with it as it comes, ride through, ignore thoughts, heed heart, seek no other remedy.
I have spent much of my life listening to everyone but myself, but at this moment I hear.
I hear the soothing, gut-wrenching, heartbreaking, beautiful sounds of the blues.