Seeing Clearly

Sunday, February 10, 2008

it just hit me.

I cried with my children. I cried with my dad.

I got his shoulder all wet. I am here to tell you that you always need your dad, even when you are 56 and think you are very mature.

We are going to GR tonight to stay at a hotel, since the weather is so bad. this way we will be a block from the hospital. Deb made the arrangements and is driving all of us in her Trailblazer.

I am relieved.

Deb also went to Our Lady of the Lake this morning for mass and arranged for Father Phil to come and annoint me and give us communion. Thank you Deb for giving this sortof Buddhist a chance to be Catholic again for awhile.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...: Dear Claud--I am sure that you are going through a range of emotions right now as you head into tomorrow. I am so happy to know that there are so many people literally around you to bundle you up with love, care, and peace. Know that many of us who can't be with you are sending you healing, loving, and peaceful vibrations that will help carry you through. You have been open, aware, and real through this whole process and that spirit will help you through tomorrow and anything that happens from here on out. Continue to be open to all your emotions and continue to have faith in everything and everyone that surrounds you.

Love you--Ami; February 10, 2008 at 7:00 PM
Anonymous said...: Claudia - You are in our thoughts and in our prayers.

I left a message for you on your home phone before reading your blog. "not a smart man Jenny".

Anyway - know that we love you and are praying for you. Remember that you are safely held.

XOXO
Barbie, Joe, Joey and Becky; February 10, 2008 at 9:07 PM
Unknown said...: Dear Claudia - your California cousins have posted you on our church prayer list. We will be holding you in our hearts all day tomorrow, and during the days of recovery that follow. Love to you, Uncle Tom, Jon and Annie and all of your support folk.
Hugs,
Karen (Hayes) and Pete Smyth; February 11, 2008 at 1:00 AM

Post a Comment

The Journey

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

© Mary Oliver.

a poem from TRAVELING MERCIES by Annie Lamott

Listen
with the night falling we are saying thank you
we are stopping on the bridge to bow from the railings
we are running out of the glass rooms
with our mouths full of food to look at the sky
and say thank you
we are standing by the water looking out
in different directions

back from a series of hospitals back from a mugging
after funerals we are saying thank you
after the news of the dead
whether or not we knew them we are saying thank you
in a culture up to its chin in shame
living in the stench it has chosen we are saying thank you

over telephones we are saying thank you
in doorways and in the backs of cars and in elevators
remembering wars and the police at the back door
and the beatings on stairs we are saying thank you
in the banks that use us we are saying thank you
with the crooks in office with the rich and fashionable
unchanged we go on saying thank you thank you

with the animals dying around us
our lost feeling we are saying thank you
with the forests falling faster than the minutes
of our lives we are saying thank you
with the words going out like cells of a brain
with the cities growing over us like the earth
we are saying thank you faster and faster
with nobody listening we are saying thank you
we are saying thank you and waving
dark though it is

--w.s. merwin

from Kabir, Indian mystic poet

Friend, hope for the truth while you are alive.

Jump into experience while you are alive!...

What you call "salvation" belongs to the time before death.

If you don't break your ropes while you are alive,

do you think ghosts will do it after?

The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic

just because the body is rotten--

that is all fantasy.

What is found now is found then.

If you find nothing now, you will simply end up with

an empty apartment in the City of Death.

If you make love with the divine now, in the next life you will have the face of satisfied desire.

Night Letter to theReader by Billy Collins

Night Letter to the Reader

I get up from the tangled bed and go outside,

a bird leaving the nest,

a snail taking a holiday from its shell,

but only to stand on the lawn,

an ordinary insomniac

amid the growth systems of garden and woods.

If I were younger, I might be thinking

about something I heard at a party,

about an unusual car,

or the press of Saturday night,

but as it is, I am simply conscious,

an animal in pajamas,

sensing only the pale humidity

of the night and the slight zephyrs

that stir the tops of the trees.

The dog has followed me out

and stands a little ahead,

her nose lifted as if she were inhaling

the tall white flowers,

visible tonight in the darkened garden,

and there was something else I wanted to tell you,

something about the warm orange light

in the windows of the house,

but now I am wondering if you were even listening

and why I bother to tell you these things

that will never make a difference,

flecks of ash, tiny chips of ice.

but this is what I want to do--

tell you that up in the woods

a few night birds were calling,

the grass was cold and wet on my bare feet,

and that at one point, the moon,

looking like the top of Shakespeare's

famous forehead,

appeared, quite unexpectedly,

illuminating a band of moving clouds.

This poem does what all good art does-it makes my heart fill as I recognize myself in it, and I say, "yes! that is exactly it!" and I realize once again that I need to tell you so many things. I feel inspired. Alive.

There are not enough hours.

a note from Kevin Griffin, author and spritual leader from Shambhala