Thursday, May 22, 2008
I was looking through my blog a little while ago, especially the first part. This blog means so much to me, not only as a record of the events, but reading and looking through it makes me feel full (some would say "full of it":)), and lucky as heck. Here is this woman who gets cancer and cracks up her car and has her eye removed after her stupid boyfriend dumps her, and what do we see? Incredible people who love her and look after her, not a small amount of good fortune, renewed connections from people from long ago, new connections with people I have met through this...all that was good in my life remains, and some crappy stuff has fallen by the wayside (mostly attitudinal in nature.)
Lately I have renewed my membership in an online matching thing, and have communicated with a couple of men ("matches", in online dating parlance), and this has brought up the issue of how and when and if to talk about all of this to a potential date. The big issue for a long time has been the alcoholism--but I could always hastily add : "but I have been sober for 17 years", which very quickly turns a liability into an asset. Makes me sound all discliplined and mature, when truth be told, it has been more a matter of luck and stubbornness than anything else. On the second tier is the vegetarian Buddhism issue. By now, the potential date is putting it together that I will not be going out for burgers and a beer after Mass with him. Still, this might be appealing to the right tree-hugging boomer sort who maybe owned a bong or at least tells people he was at Woodstock.
Now, I have this fake eye, and I am thinking that since a-this has been a very recent (and life-altering) experience, it seems odd NOT to bring it up, and b-it is a FAKE EYE, I need to be forthcoming and frank about it. On the other hand, I don't want to scare some great guy off (though how great would he be if this WOULD scare him off?? )
Today I told a handsome guy named Steve, via email, the main bullet-points, and I am at peace with whatever comes of that, because I have learned that this is the only thing to be done. I learned from that last relationship, that long, laborious and often very painful one, that the greatest gift I can give myself and you is the truth. I didn't do that with him and it didn't work. Go figure.
I don't know where I am going with all of this, except to tell you all that I love life, and though I would welcome a lovely man in to it, I am one happy woman right now, with things just as they are (ok, maybe minus a few pounds and wrinkles--truth, right?). Let me tell you about my friends and family: they are sterling people, and they love me real good, regardless of anything that might be present of absent in or on me. I have been spoiled by this devotion. Lucky woman.